It means.

     As I sit here, trying to pinpoint my thoughts, I am fighting back tears.  Because my thoughts are thoughts of loss, of sacrifice, of duty to country, of war.  And my heart is fighting the idea that I am a military spouse.  I am mourning the loss of every Soldier, every Marine, every Sailor, every Airman that has been lost in the last 10 years (and the many, many more before it).  But mostly I am trying to wrap my head around what it means to be a military spouse. 

     Now you scratch your head, thinking: "But you have been a military spouse for 4 years now.  You should know this already."  But I did not really get it.  I know what the military is, I know that sacrifices are involved.  My biggest sacrifice, sending my husband to the field for two or three weeks a few times a year.  I never GOT it, because I've never REALLY lived it.  I was spoiled, thankfully.  I was guarded from deployments and war and loneliness and sacrifice for 4 years (because I believe God knew that my husband and I were not ready for those challenges).  

     But now it is hitting me as I read other blogs, watch television shows, and carry my phone everywhere I go exactly what it means.  

     It means that you change.  You change in a way that makes you stronger.  More in love.  More independent.  More successful.  A better wife.  A better mother.  More emotional (at least I am).  

     It means that the "I love you" you used to hear and take for granted, now sends shivers up your spine.  As you never know when you will hear it next.  

     It means that you make decisions on your own that you never thought you'd make alone.  Financial decisions.  Emotional decisions.  Parenting decisions.   

     It means that you will pray/think/hope/whatever it is that you do, more.  You will grow in your relationship with whatever you believe in.  Me, I believe in God.  And He hears on a constant basis how I hope he keeps my husband safe.  And He knows the needs I have, without my ever admitting to them out loud.  

     It means that sometimes ice cream and chicken nuggets are considered dinner foods.  And that sometimes you will eat no dinner at all.  

     It means that bad days are faced alone and without loving arms to greet you when you get home.  You learn to deal with things on your own like you never have before.  Whether it is learning to confide in a friend like you never have before, keeping a journal, praying, exercising, whatever- you learn to cope with not having your spouse there. 

     It means that I may never see my husband take another breath.  It means that my daughter may never really know her father.  It means that my most cherished possession could become a flag, given to me by a Marine.  It could mean that I wear a dress that I will wear only once.  

     It means that my husband is supporting his country and that no matter how he comes home, he is a hero.  And that I pray constantly that he is not called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice.  

     It means that every email is precious.  Every phone call is cherished.  Every I love you is knee-weakening.  Everyday is another day closer to seeing him again and a reason to thank God for our both waking up, healthy.  

     It means that tears flow when I hear taps, no matter what the circumstances, no matter where I am at.  

     It means so much more than this.  But I know that it is something I would never give up.  I would never give up the bad if it meant I couldn't be with my husband.  Because my husband is my hero, my best friend, my soul mate and if being with him means that we must sacrifice and spend time apart, than I will 100 times over.

curly hair?

     So sometimes I get bored of the ponytail, or the bun, or the stick straight hair.  But i have never been good at curling my hair.  So after some practice, I think I like it.  But what do you think?

     The picture is not the best, the lighting is bad and the photography is shotty, but do you like my hair?  I just want to have another option when I do my hair.  

The good times.

     I am trying to better organize my photos since I am really trying to take at least one picture everyday the whole time my husband is gone and today I found these beauties.  It made me teary eyed and melty hearted to see these pictures.  A little girl, her dad, a park, and a beautiful day make for great memories.

     This was one of the first times we had taken Maggie to the park and she loved just running around in the open areas used for dog walking and picnics.  She loves chasing her daddy.  And she loved running up to him for a drink out of her big girl McDonald's cup that daddy had.  

     It was a great way to spend one of the last days Scott had with his daughter and I am so glad that he did.  The pictures are something I will cherish forever and the memories are ones that will always make me smile.  

Thursday Purgeday. Volume 1 of 1.

     See there is the awesome mom/blogger/so-much-more over at the818.com and she is pretty much one of the most awesome women I have found on the internet.  She is doing a segment on her blog called Thursday Purgeday and I thought i would join in for a week to explain a purging/organizing journey I have been on for the last 3 weeks.
     Most of you know that my husband deployed a few years ago and will be gone well into next year.  SO I decided about the second I learned of the deployment that my daughter and I would move back in with my parents.  So a journey to pack and store and organize and pack some more ensued.
     So here we are months later.  All of my stuff is unpacked.  And I have moved myself into a room that was originally my parents office/craft room.  It has not been used as a bedroom is about 8 years.  Now I not only had to make this my bedroom and my office and my craft room, I had to share it with my parents as there office and craft room.  I wish I had pictures of where this room really started.  But I don't.  (It would be too horrible to share anyway.)
     But I cleaned it out.  I threw stuff away (with my parents' permission of course).  I painted.  I built.  I moved around.  I unpacked.  And I bought containers.  And the room looked like this...

     And I just couldn't stand it.  These pictures don't really do it justice either.  But I showed you some of it (I just can't own up to the rest of the room).  So I organized.  I rearranged a little.  I finished the building projects.  I filed away paper work.  And I am now happy with my room.  I can live here for the next year.  I promise I can.  And I promise I will keep it as clean as I can, so that the room can look like this most of the time...

     You can see the separate areas of the room: where I sleep, where I scrapbook, where I work, and where my TV is.  Much better, right?

     Can I keep it up?  Do you believe in me?

     And don't forget to check out Morgan as she goes through a much longer and larger journey to organization and purging.  

No changes.

This week was weird.  I had not desire to track my points or even care for that matter.  I do not know why, but I just wasn't.  Oh well though, there is always this week.
Saturday I went to a new unit in Daytona Beach for drill and ran a PT test.  I did 46 sit-ups y'all.  That's only 4 away from passing!!!  And I have about a month until I MUST pass my PT test.  I need the tuition assistance from my unit to start graduate school in May.  (EEK- did I really just say GRADUATE SCHOOL?)   So I started out strong on Saturday, running and pushing up and all that jazz.  But then came the drive home and I saw HOT fresh donuts.  That means I just had to stop.  So this weekend, I enjoyed 4 donuts over the course of Saturday and Sunday.  But I ate well otherwise.
And Saturday during my weigh in, taken after a PT test, I weighed in at exactly 164.8.  The same thing I weighed in at last week.  So no change, and I am okay with that.  That means that if I have a funky week when I don't want to count points and whatnot, I am making smart enough decisions to NOT gain.  That means I am eating healthier and better and that IS a breakthrough.  The next 5 days I am going to track and I am going to track well.  I am even going to post what I eat everyday (I will post one big post on Saturday morning, my weigh in day, with the break down).
So YAY for breakthroughs and NAY for funks that cause you to not lose weight.  Next week will be better.

My heart is feeling heavy.

Two weeks doesn't seem so long in the grand scheme of life.  But when it is the first two weeks of a deployment, it seems to last an eternity.  Or longer.  Its the transition period.  From being a pair to being a singleton.  From being just a mommy to being a mom and a dad.  From living in North Carolina in my own home with my husband to living in Florida with my parents in my parents home.  Plus this deployment will be the longest Scott and I have ever been apart from each other.  We have never been apart more than 4 months while I was away from Basic Training and AIT.

And the time has started wearing on me.  Two weeks doesn't sound like a lot, but this is when my husband would normally be coming home from the field.  He was be calling me telling me he would be home in 30 minutes.  But instead he is asking me to send him gum and coffee, because he is in his new home now.  He is deployed.  And that is starting to sink in.  

My heart is getting heavier by the day.  My nights are getting longer and lonelier.  My heart is beginning to break when I see Maggie do something new without her Daddy being able to watch, ever.  He gets to hear about her new words.  He gets to hear about her new Cozy Coupe.  And then, he might get to watch a video days later IF I am able to get to the video camera or phone before she decides she is bored with her activity.
I find myself struggling at this moment to focus on the tasks at hand.  Finally get everything put away in my room, my bills filed, and my floors cleaned.  Because I find myself consumed with thoughts of what my dear husband is doing at this moment.  I try to stay busy to keep the thoughts of him at bay, even the good ones.  But I am finding it harder and harder to keep the thoughts of him out and the motivation to do SOMETHING in.
And your eyes may have bulged when I said I didn't even want the good thoughts.  But the good thoughts in turn lead me to thinking that he is indeed in a war zone and that he is not safe in the same way we are.  And that his life is held in a gentle balance of staying in the "safe zone".  And I hate the thoughts of war and I really, really hate the thoughts of my husband being at war.
So with a heavy heart and a head held high, I am going to continue washing my laundry and filing my bills and living my life, while my husband is far away in a land I cannot imagine.  I will see him soon and we will continue our life together.  But for now, we love each other from afar and through the communication of our finger tips.
He is after all the love of my life no matter how far away his is or how heavy my heart becomes.  We will be together again soon.  In 11.5 months.

Remember when?

A few days ago, I was talking to my teenage mentor and a retired USMC Colonel.  He is a great man and always has been somewhat like a grandfather to me.  And now as he guides my 18-year-old niece to her time in the Marine Corps and high school graduation, I have remembered just how special this man is.  

He has fought wars where he didn't have a room to sleep in or a chow hall to eat at.  Where if it rained, it poured.  And he too had a family.  A family he went weeks without talking to.  And even then it was an old fashioned letter or maybe a cassette tape.  Because he fought in wars that I cannot imagine, I cannot imagine the sacrifice military families made then.  

Because of this eye widening discussion with the Colonel, I try not to take for granted that I have spoken to my Marine everyday except for 1 since he left 17 days ago.  I have had 3 phone calls and numerous emails from him.  I know everyday that he is safe.  I know everyday that he is eating and sleeping and that he is living well (as well as can be to be living in a foreign, war ridden land on a military installation).

I try not to take this peace of mind for granted.  Because I know 10, 20, or 30 years ago, the communication we enjoy now did not exist.  And if the Colonel and his young wife and family could survive without hearing each others voices for months and years at a time, I can survive this deployment.  I can survive the talking to each other daily.  I can survive the weekly or bi-weekly phone calls.  I can survive it.  And I can survive it with my head held high.  And with dignity.  And with daily thoughts of those who have served when these luxuries did not exist and of those that have fought and died for my freedom.  

I will never take for granted the simple email saying "happy midnight.  I love you."  Because that "I Love You" didn't exist years ago.  And the military family has always gone on.  We have survived.  And we have strived.  And I will carry on the tradition of holding down the home front while my husband is gone.

John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

(The Colonel I am talking about is the Senior Naval Science Instructor of my graduating high school.  I was in NJROTC all four years under his command.  He served 30 years in the USMC.  And he continues to serve the young students at the high school with his support and firm molding.  He is a real life hero.  I did not disclose his name or the high school because I do not have his permission to release his information.  But I want his legacy to live on no matter what.) 

Sometimes I wish money grew on trees.

While most people believe that finances are boring, I am enthralled by money and it consumes a lot of my thoughts through out the day.  Over a year ago, Scott and I decided we would get out of debt.  We used Dave Ramsey's 7 baby steps to get us started.  Once we found out Scott was deploying we stopped focusing on getting out of debt and just enjoying our family.  We obviously still paid all of our bills and everything but we used our extra money to go out to dinner, buy deployment stuff, move, et cetera.  But I am proud to say that in 14 or so months, we have paid off almost $15,000 in debt.  We have refinanced two credit cards into a loan to get a lower interest rate.  I hate saying it, but we still have a long way to go.  Over double that.  And I do not include my student loans in those figures.
But I have decided that I am going to become serious about paying off debt again.  So I have decided that from now until the end of April.  I am going to go on a shopping/money spending purge.  I am going to cut way back.  I am going to stay away from Target and IKEA and every other store that I spend money out.  While my spending recently is not "normal" I am afraid that if I don't do a purge, it will become my new normal.  That is will compensate for my husband's absence through an affair with my debit/credit card.
Included in this movement is to go back to a cash only spending system.  And right now I have $12 to spend until April 1st.  Because I spend too much random money recently that I am not going to withdraw the rest of my "allowance".  And on April 1st, I am going to take out less money than I originally budgeted for my allowance.
Because I have hit a point where I really want to focus on becoming debt free, I have made a decision on the job front.  I am going to take any job that is offered, which means that sometime in April I am employed because I received a job offer from the job interview I went to last Thursday.  I hope to find a different job, but a job is a job and it will equal financial freedom down the road (and not to mention a sure fire way to save up money to enjoy Scott's R&R at lovely restaurants, spas, and Disney World).
I hope that a purge will help me get back in the habit of not spending.  Or not whipping out my card for everything.  And I hope that I can get in a better habit of tracking everything that I spend, not tracking well has gotten me in trouble more times than I like to admit.  And so this is going to be a lifestyle change.  I am going to be shedding the bad habits and gaining the good ones.
I will answer to you.  I will answer to this blog.  I will post how I am doing over the next 6 weeks or so.  I will tell you how much I spend and how much I pay off and how much we make.  I will tell you all of this.  Because then I will have the accountability that I need to stay on track.  And I WILL STAY ON TRACK. Because I want to be free from the weight of $32,000 in debt.

So you will see me on two journeys as the same time.  My weight loss journey and my financial freedom  (or the financial freedom of my family really).  And I know I have tried to do this before.  But I am going to stick to this.  I want to go on a really nice vacation when my husband comes home after a year.  CAN WE SAY HAWAII?

Nice to see you again, McFatty Monday.

So it has been 12 days since my husband left (I promise this will not become a deployment post) and I was really scared that I would come back today with a weight gain.  But I am proud to say that I did not emotionally eat.  I did not sit and pout.  I did not watch too much t.v.  I stayed active chasing Maggie around.  I stayed active organizing and cleaning and unpacking and moving into my parents' house.  And so I am proud to announce that I lost 1.6 pounds in the last week.  I weighed in at 166.4 on March 5 and weighed in at 164.8 on March 12.)  My weigh-in days are Saturday as that is the day that I go to a Weight Watchers Meeting.
So if you are paying attention at all, that means I have lost almost 8.2 pounds since starting Weight Watchers on January 15, 2011.  And it is only going to get better from here.
Why is it going to get better?  Because I went and got my YMCA membership card.  So I now have no excuse not go to the gym and not to stay active and not to loose more weight.  Because I will be at my goal weight when my husband comes home.  So I have about 233 days to lose 20-25 pounds.  I will be perfectly happy at 145, but my ultimate goal is 140.

Now to answer BA's question from over at Heir to Blair.  I do not like the idea of recommitting myself everyday.  While most people are a "I just need to survive this day", I am a deadline person & 24 hours just isn't going to cut it here.  Taking it one day at a time leaves open the opportunity that I can cheat because it is JUST one day and then those "just one days" become weeks and months.  And while I do have months to lose this weight, I do have a hero of a husband coming home to spend two glorious weeks with his wife and daughter.  And I want to look the part.  I want to look like a hero's wife.  I want to look like a million bucks when I walk into Orlando International Airport (or whatever airport it is) and hug my husband for the first time in 8 months.  And that is what drives me to get up at 5am to take a 6am class at the YMCA.  My husband.  He is the only motivation I need right now.  I would just fail miserably using the "recommit everyday thing".

Fragility.

Today, thousands of people across the world are suffering; displaced.  Entire worlds are turned upside down in the blink of an eye.  I cannot fathom the heart ache, the pain, the faith that is now gushing from the shores of Japan, filling the ocean with tears.
Today, among many other days in my life, I realized just how fragile life is.  My husband is in a war zone and at any point in time could be taken from me, it would be days before I knew.  And how do military spouses find out, by having Marines dressed in Blues drive up in black shiny cars.  That is how the worst news in the world comes to Marine wives.  The same is said for every branch, but with representatives from their respected branches.
Because life is fragile.  Because in the blink of an eye, worlds can change.  Weather its a nation affected or a state or a town or a family or one person.  These changes are not always bad, because God has a plan.  But the fragility of life usual shows its head with an unfortunate sadness.  Just 14 months ago, I got the most devastating call of my life.  In the end though the events that forced that phone call made changes in one woman that we all prayed for at night.  Because today my mom is drug free and the mother I missed for many years.
But today I pray about the fragility.  Today I pray that God has a plan for all of these people affected, for every soul whose life was turned upside down in the mere blink of an eye.  Today I praise God that my life is blessed.  I praise God that it is has been years since someone was taken from my life.  I praise God for my beautiful daughter and her wonderful father.  I praise God for my family who supports me and my husband and our country.  I praise God that I live in a country where I can write a blog post thanking God for my life and stating my continual prayer for those that were affected today by the tsunami and earthquake in Japan.
And it reminds me that I must live my life for today.  To enjoy every moment of my screaming, clingy daughter and to cherish every email, Skype message, and phone call I get from the man of dreams.  Because I am lucky enough to have a a real life hero in my life and I get to call him my husband.  And as I close my eyes tonight and reflect on today, I will be thankful that I heard my husbands voice and I will be thankful my daughter went to bed early enough for me to write this post.
Because today I reflect on the fragility of life.  And I pray for the peace of those affected by this (and every other) horrendous natural disaster.  And I praise God for a blessed life.

Job hunting.

Looking for a job and actually getting hired is like looking for a needle in a hay stack.  You tweak your resume for the 90th time to make sure you are advertising yourself in the best way possible.  you write you 147th cover letter explaining why you are the best candidate for the position listed or for the company.  You search high and low for job opening.  You apply to places that are not even listing opening.  You send your resume to many more places. 
And yet you still have the ability to sleep in for as long as your cute little offspring will let you.  This morning, that was 9:45am. 
When interviewing for a job you always want to look your best so you do your hair, you put on make up, and wear your best looking clothes. And while you are sitting waiting to meet with the person that may hold the key to your future you run through potential interview questions and answets, just to feel more prepared.  But then it hits you, "do I even want this job?"  Many people don't care what the answer to that question is, a job is a job and an income is an income.  But today while I sit to be interviewed to work in a call center that question keeps nagging me. 
Sure extra income would be nice, but my husband and I do not need it.  I was perfectly fine with selling cars, even excited about the prospect.  But I have worked in a call center before and I hated every minute of urn. Do I want to add more dread and despair to my life?  Not really.  But do I really want to give up the opportunity to be employed again?  And this tug and pull of my brain keep going around and around in the wash basin that is my brain.  Currently it is in the soak cycle, because as I write this I haven't even been interviewed yet. 
What would you do?  Would you interview for a job you know you don't want?  If hired, would you accept the job?  Especially if you didn't need the job? Or would you keep looking for something you would actually enjoy?

One Week.

Tomorrow will make one week since I said goodbye and so much has happened since he stepped on a bus.  Most of it is good, some of it is sad.
As many of you know, I moved to Florida to live with my parents to 1) have emotional support and 2) save money.  Moving in has taking a toll on me.  I haven't lived with my parents in over 5 years, not officially anyways.  I even changed my address away from my parents officially almost 4 years ago when I married my wonderful Marine.  And in 5 years I started my own home and my parents and niece have only expanded their own to suit their own needs.  I have had to remove things, move things, build things (with the help of my dad), buy things, and I am still not done.  My parents' living room and bonus room and my dad's garage look like their office/craft room barfed all over it.  And I just keep chugging, but I can't seem to get anything done (except that I do, you just can't tell).  My car still has a ton of stuff in it that needs to come out.  But I will get it done.
I am giving myself until next Monday to get everything organizational wise done.  I want to see my floor and be able to scrapbook or write a letter or whatever on my desk without having ten millions piles of crap.  At least at this moment I can tell you where my underwear are and my jeans are and my socks are, not much else, but at least those things.  Oh and I can tell you were my cell phone is at almost all times.
But in between all of this organizing, I have talked to my husband quite a bit.  And he is safe.  He is healthy.  And he is just as he was when he left me, which is just the way I like it.  We have spoken on both the internet, text messaging (he has an awesome app on his iPod that allows him to text for free), and I even got a phone call today.  A PHONE CALL!  This was more exciting for me than I ever thought it would be.  It was the best start to my day I could have ever asked for.  And while we were on the phone Maggie was running around saying my parents dogs name, Sadie.  It comes out adie, but it was really special that Scott got to hear it.
And speaking of Maggie, she is adjusting well- excellent in fact.  She has learned to go up and down the stairs (there are 4 of them) and roam the house.  She even plays in her room here because that is where her toys are.  She loves the dog.  She uses the dog as a couch, a teddy bear, and everything in between.  Maggie is even trying to learn how to throw a ball so she can play fetch with Sadie.  And Maggie has cut her 7th tooth, a molar I think.  Her eighth tooth is on the way, I can feel it.
Oh and I went to Weight Watchers on Saturday and I have not gained any weight.  I am finding it really hard to track food again, but I am going to give myself this week and start again on Saturday, which is my weigh in day.
That is all for now, it was just a huge vomit of my week.

Saying goodbye is always hard...

especially when you are sending your husband off to war. 

How do you even say goodbye?  How do you tell your best friend, lover, husband, soul mate to stay safe and to come home soon?  How do you not go crazy? 

I said goodbye by telling my husband goodbye, that I love him, and to stay safe.  I hugged his neck with tears stinging my eyes, and smiled the last time I looked into his eyes.  I want him to close his eyes and remember me as strong. 
I watched as my husband walk away, looking at his woodland marpat assault pack get farther away from me as tears made their way down my cheeks, trying to be strong.  I stood there silently and alone as the the flag was lowered sharply at 6pm while my husband loaded the bus that every Marine spouse has a love-hate relationship with. 
And I walked away knowing the next time I spoke to my husband he would be on another continent, an ocean separating us.  I drove away before his bus did, because I did not want to watch him leave.  Watching those buses pull away would have killed me.
I wondered if his heart broke the way mine did to know we wouldn't see each other for months?  That we wouldn't be together as a family again for a long time?  I wondered if although he stayed strong, if he was fighting tears the way I was.  I wondered if that would be the last time I saw my husband.  I have faith that it won't be, that God will keep my husband protected, but it will still be a thought at the back of my mind. 

I will mourn today for the next year until I can kiss my husband again.  But while my heart is heavy, it is swollen with pride as I know my husband is serving his country in a way I cannot imagine- even as a service member.  I have never been so sad and so proud at the same time.  I have never been so lonely and so in love at the same time.

Today is day 1.  Today is 1 day closer to my husband coming home.  And I will continue that count down until a banner hangs on a fence and my husband steps off of a white bus.  I will count the days until he is home and we are a family again.