Broken heart.

     I hope you have never experienced a broken heart.  although unlikely, I hope you have not.  I have.  Many times.  At the age of 8 in 1995, when my grandmother died.  As a freshman in high school, year 2002, when a childhood friend and classmate died tragically in a car accident.  In 2004, as a senior in high school when I realized "the love of my life", wasn't.  As a sophomore in college, 2006, when I was told I could have cancer and needed immediate surgery at the ripe age of 19.  Again in 2008, when I lost the first child of my marriage.  And in 2010, when my dad told me my mom shot herself (she is beautiful and healthy now).  But none of those felt as heavy as this.  
     Nothing prepared me for living apart from my soul mate for a year.  Nothing prepared me for the nightmares of a husband at war.  That broken routines would cause images of black cars and Marines in dress uniforms.  Nothing could have prepared me for the broken heart. Nothing. 
     I know it sounds crazy.  I know I should not be saying this.  My husband is safe.  My husband is alive.  My husband is healthy.  And I talk to him through some sort of way almost everyday.  I am grateful.  But the smile that I don't see haunts me.  The hugs I don't feel drown me.  And the empty bed envelopes my soul with icy loneliness.  A bitter reminder every night that I will embrace the new morning alone and weary. 
     And the heartache, it is in my bones.  It is in my brain.  It is in my joints.  It is in my soul.  As I feel the pains of loneliness, depression, heartache at the core of myself.  I feel it all taking hold of me as I struggle to free myself from the tightening fingers.
     And I wonder am I strong enough?  Am I strong enough to beat a deployment.  Am I strong enough to beat depression and heartache, again?  Will this make my husband worry even more about me while he is over there?  Are these feelings normal?  Does my husband feel these same types of feelings, in some amount?  Am I really alone?  These are the questions I asked once I admitted the weariness, the pain, the loneliness, the depression was just holding on tighter. 
     And as I realized the grip I was feeling, I automatically started beating myself up.  I wasn't being strong for my husband if I admitted depression. I wasn't "holding down the fort" if I needed to see a doctor again?  I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain.  My part of being a military spouse. 

(This post is raw.  This post began as an "I can't sleep" tirade.  But it turned into something much deeper.  It turned into an admission that I am in relapsing from a disease I will fight my whole life.  And while I have not yet called a doctor to discuss treatment, it is on my to do list for tomorrow- since it is 1:30am right now.  I will fight again and I will win again.) 

Cutting expenses.

     So I posted earlier about my trip to Germany and putting away my credit cards.  That is step 1 to saving money and getting debt free.  So beyond putting away the credit cards, I must cut expenses.  So here are a few ideas that I come up with to cut expenses and SAVE MORE MONEY.

1.  Clipping coupons.  My goal is to save $200 a month, shopping sales and using coupons during my shopping trips.  And although couponers say that stock piling is important, I will only buy what we need, unless I can get something for free.  So any cash left in my "grocery" envelope at the end of each pay period will be deposited into a bank account or locked jar that I will break prior to my trip to Germany.
2.  I am going to try to only drive 3 times a week.  I will only leave the house other than those 3 days on emergencies.  This will require planning of errands and such around those three days.  (Driving to and from drill will only count as one day.)
3.  I am going to save half of my monthly allowance every month for my own personal spending money for the trip and/or clothes for the trip.
4.  I am going to eat out as little as I can (we all know that we get those urges to go out) and save any money left over at the end of the month into the jar or bank account.
5.  Any other money left over in my envelope system (except hair cut money that must carry over for me to get a haircut) will also go into the jar or bank account.

     Do you have any other ideas that I can use to cut down on expenses every month?  I will add to this list as I figure out more ideas.

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

     So many of you may know and many of you may not, but Scott, Maggie and I are going to GERMANY for 15 days this November.  We are very excited about the trip for multiple reasons.  Mainly because it will be the first time in over 8 months that we will all be together.  Another perk is that Maggie will get to spend her 2nd birthday with her daddy, despite his deployment, IN ANOTHER COUNTRY!  We are also generally excited about spending 15 days in Germany.  A place my husband has ALWAYS wanted to visit and that I am warming up to.
     But as you can guess this trip is going to be expensive.  Even with the deals we are getting, it will still cost a pretty penny.  And I need to save as much as possible for the trip between now and then.  So you must know a few things to understand how I am doing this.
     1.  I am not working, but I am living with my parents.  I will not be working as I will be staying home with Maggie and going back to school to get my MBA.  Going back to school means I will have an income, especially once I pass my PT test in May, but it will not be much.
     2.  I will no longer have to pay my student loans every month because I can defer them because I am in school.
     3.  We still want to pay off debt.  So the more money we save, and the quicker we save it, the faster we can get back to paying off debt.
     4.  While we have a specific amount of money we want to save for the trip.  We are planning to do as much as we can over there that is free.  And if it is not free, we will try to do it as cheaply as possible.  We have a few things we want to splurge on, like renting a BMW to drive on the Autobahn.  We will take advantage of the activities our resort has to offer as much as possible, especially food.  This is so that we do not have to drive anywhere and because we get 40% off of food that is served in one of the resort restaurants.  And so, we will be as frugal as possible and we hope to come home spending less than we saved and will automatically use that money for either Christmas presents or our debt snowball.

     And so, I will admit to you my problem.  Having access to credit cards and money through several accounts.  So today I decided that if I really am going to save as much money as humanly possible, I must lock up any unneeded debit cards and all credit cards.

     These cards are in my husband and I's names, so they are not all mine, but they are all of the ones that I have access to and COULD use.  So these 8 cards went into a sealed envelope.  On the seal of this envelope I signed my name and dated it.  This envelope was then placed in my lock box with all other vital paperwork.  This will keep me accountable.  And I will do my husband proud and save the money we need and pay off as much debt as possible.  This included paying off the balances on our two credit cards before I ever start saving to go to Germany.  

     So I will do this!  I will live frugally.  I will live only on cash and for gas, my gas card.  (I have another post planned on how I plan on cutting expenses to save even more money.)  

     What drastic measures do you do to save yourself money?

Be a part of something bigger.

     On the evening of April 16, 2011, Camp Lejeune, North Carolina and the surrounding areas were hit with a horrible band of storms that produced multiple tornadoes.  These tornadoes caused devastation beyond imagination in the lives of Marines and Sailors and their families living aboard Terewa Terrace I and II.  These neighborhoods are base sponsored communities full of children, wives, and families who all serve their country through their fathers or mothers, husbands or wives.

     Thankfully, these storms did not cause any fatalities, they did cause injuries and wide spread destruction.  Leaving almost 100 residents displaced for their beautiful homes and many others living in homes that are damaged.  I personally know of one wife, whose husband deployed less than one week ago to serve his country, whose car was destroyed by the storm.  One young boy, age 23-months, was air lifted because of injuries sustained by the tornadoes destruction of his home.  His mother was home with him and injured herself.  His father at a train up in Mojave Viper, California.  He will be home soon.  

     The community saved that little boys life.  And so I ask this of you.  Help save the community.  A community that is my family.  A community of heroes.  A community of families missing loved ones who are deployed.  A community of fighters.  A community that deserves to be lifted out of the shadows of this devastation.  A community that deserves the support of those outside of it.  

     These photographs show the damaged that occurred during the tornadoes on April 16, 2011.  These photographs were taken by a very talented friend, Kim Graham of Kimberly Graham Photography.  

     I am a military spouse and I can attest to the strength that is the military community.  It is a community where a stranger can instantly become your best friend.  It is a community of families that know exactly what it feels like to have loved ones off fighting a war.  It is a community that never faulters because they carry the weak to strength.  This community will not sleep until they see everyone affected taken care of.  But they cannot do it alone.  They cannot do without help.  

     So I ask you to please forgo your latte today and donate to help the warriors of Camp Lejeune rebuild their lives.  Forgo your pedicure to help rebuild a primary school that is causing displacement of many young students.  Forgo your lunch out of the office, in exchange for a brown bag and help support a young wife rebuild while her husband is deployed.  

     Support your troops when they need it the most.  Support your military.  And support a community that was ravaged by storms.  Help them rebuild.   

     If you would like to donate financially, please follow the following directions. 

          1.  Visit http://uso-nc.org

          2.  Click DONATE in the upper right.

          3.  Click the DONATE NOW button in the top right corner. 

          4.  In the special instructions section, specify JACKSONVILLE TORNADO

     If you would like to donate items to the USO for distribution, please mail these to 

               USO, Jacksonville Center

               9 Tallman Street

               Jacksonville, NC 28540

     Hygiene/toiletry items, baby items, undergarments, and food are being requested most. 

     * Please note that you are seeing Jacksonville in these directions.  Jacksonville is the town in North Carolina that houses Marine Corps Base Camp Lejeune.

     * I hope to post pictures to this post soon, but without the permission of some of my friends I cannot do that.  Soon though I hope.  

Couponing.

     So a few nights ago, I watched a show on TLC.  It portrayed the crazy women (and men)that can buy $1900 worth of groceries for $100.  Because they take couponing, sales shopping, and stockpiling items to the EXTREME.  (The show is called Extreme Couponing.)
     Couponing has always ben something I have been interested in.  But I never thought clipping a coupon here and clicking a coupon there would ever save me any money.  That's because I never got the idea.  I never knew the rules.  I never understood HOW it worked.  I thought it was simple.
     Boy was I wrong?!?!?
     Couponing is about ORGANIZATION.  You plan the coupons you will use, the meals you will serve, the way you will shop, how much of each item you will get, the way you store your coupons, how you will store your unused coupons, et cetera.
     Couponing is about planning.  You must plan your coupon usage around the sales flyers for your local grocery store.  It is about planning your trip to the grocery store.  It is about planning every detail (and using your organization to keep all straight).
    Couponing is about buying as many products as possible on sale AND then using your coupons (both manufacturers and store and competitors- if your grocery store takes them).  You want to "stack" your coupons as much as possible.  Which means using 1 manufactures coupon and 1 store coupon per item that is on sale to compound your savings.
     And guess what?  It works!  I may not save 95% on my groceries (yet).  But over the last few days I have put in some effort.  I have clipped more coupons than I knew possible.  I have found some websites to help me.  I use e-mealz.com for meal planning, a coupon match-up website, and multiple coupon websites.
    Today, I went shopping today at Publix and drum roll please...  I bought $260 worth of groceries for $150.  I saved $110!!!!  On my very first "couponing" trip.  I have a lot to learn (especially the only buy what I need, not just something on sale).  But I think that this is considered success.

$110 PEOPLE!

Sometimes you just have to... cry.

     Deployments teach you about yourself.  They teach you to change the beliefs you have had for years.  That sometimes change is good and that sometimes you do whatever you have to.  No matter what the situation.  

     Scott and I had our first fight a few days ago.  Not a big fight.  But I have to say, regretfully, that I did not talk to him for 2 days.  By talk, I mean email.  I want to crawl under a rock for admitting that because 1) my husband is in a war zone and I passed up an opportunity to talk to him and 2) it was my fault.  It was my neediness and my emotions and my psycho freak out that caused the fight to begin with.  

    But what I learned is that I was upset because I pent up my emotions inside instead of talking about them in the first place.  I learned that I CANNOT do that.  I learned that the whole situation made me feel 100% worse than it did it to begin with.

     But the thing I learned the most about was that even after the fight, even after the silence I did not feel better.  What made me feel better, was just crying.  I laid in my bed, hugging one of my 3 extra pillows, and I cried. And I cried.  And I cried.  And I felt better.  

     I felt the tension melt away.  I felt the stress blend in to the joy.  And I felt at peace- finally.  

     So I will gladly cry more this deployment.