I hope you have never experienced a broken heart. although unlikely, I hope you have not. I have. Many times. At the age of 8 in 1995, when my grandmother died. As a freshman in high school, year 2002, when a childhood friend and classmate died tragically in a car accident. In 2004, as a senior in high school when I realized "the love of my life", wasn't. As a sophomore in college, 2006, when I was told I could have cancer and needed immediate surgery at the ripe age of 19. Again in 2008, when I lost the first child of my marriage. And in 2010, when my dad told me my mom shot herself (she is beautiful and healthy now). But none of those felt as heavy as this.
Nothing prepared me for living apart from my soul mate for a year. Nothing prepared me for the nightmares of a husband at war. That broken routines would cause images of black cars and Marines in dress uniforms. Nothing could have prepared me for the broken heart. Nothing.
I know it sounds crazy. I know I should not be saying this. My husband is safe. My husband is alive. My husband is healthy. And I talk to him through some sort of way almost everyday. I am grateful. But the smile that I don't see haunts me. The hugs I don't feel drown me. And the empty bed envelopes my soul with icy loneliness. A bitter reminder every night that I will embrace the new morning alone and weary.
And the heartache, it is in my bones. It is in my brain. It is in my joints. It is in my soul. As I feel the pains of loneliness, depression, heartache at the core of myself. I feel it all taking hold of me as I struggle to free myself from the tightening fingers.
And I wonder am I strong enough? Am I strong enough to beat a deployment. Am I strong enough to beat depression and heartache, again? Will this make my husband worry even more about me while he is over there? Are these feelings normal? Does my husband feel these same types of feelings, in some amount? Am I really alone? These are the questions I asked once I admitted the weariness, the pain, the loneliness, the depression was just holding on tighter.
And as I realized the grip I was feeling, I automatically started beating myself up. I wasn't being strong for my husband if I admitted depression. I wasn't "holding down the fort" if I needed to see a doctor again? I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain. My part of being a military spouse.
(This post is raw. This post began as an "I can't sleep" tirade. But it turned into something much deeper. It turned into an admission that I am in relapsing from a disease I will fight my whole life. And while I have not yet called a doctor to discuss treatment, it is on my to do list for tomorrow- since it is 1:30am right now. I will fight again and I will win again.)
1 comments:
I love you my dear and yes you are are strong enough, being strong does not mean that we don't and won't feel everything you are feeling. It means that everyday we will pick ourselves up and hold our head up high and make it through another day without our soul mates by our side. It means that some times you will just cry and maybe you won't know why. It means clinging to your daughter, mom, dad,and friends to help support you through this crazy and emotional time in your life. It is ok to feel like this just know that you are a strong women and you are not alone God is with you every moment of everyday you are away from Scott and he is with Scott in all those moments as well. I know you and if anyone can get through this deployment a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend it is you! Let God be your guide give him all your fears all your loniness, all your heart ache he will give you back nothing but love. Just know how much I love you and what an amazing example you have been to me since the beginning of Scott's deployment. I hope I can be half as strong as you through this all. Remember the night I had to come to your house just to sit and be with people, I was feeling so many emotions I thought they were goin to explode, sometimes we just have to give in to nights like that and the next day start anew.
I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
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