My heart is feeling heavy.

Two weeks doesn't seem so long in the grand scheme of life.  But when it is the first two weeks of a deployment, it seems to last an eternity.  Or longer.  Its the transition period.  From being a pair to being a singleton.  From being just a mommy to being a mom and a dad.  From living in North Carolina in my own home with my husband to living in Florida with my parents in my parents home.  Plus this deployment will be the longest Scott and I have ever been apart from each other.  We have never been apart more than 4 months while I was away from Basic Training and AIT.

And the time has started wearing on me.  Two weeks doesn't sound like a lot, but this is when my husband would normally be coming home from the field.  He was be calling me telling me he would be home in 30 minutes.  But instead he is asking me to send him gum and coffee, because he is in his new home now.  He is deployed.  And that is starting to sink in.  

My heart is getting heavier by the day.  My nights are getting longer and lonelier.  My heart is beginning to break when I see Maggie do something new without her Daddy being able to watch, ever.  He gets to hear about her new words.  He gets to hear about her new Cozy Coupe.  And then, he might get to watch a video days later IF I am able to get to the video camera or phone before she decides she is bored with her activity.
I find myself struggling at this moment to focus on the tasks at hand.  Finally get everything put away in my room, my bills filed, and my floors cleaned.  Because I find myself consumed with thoughts of what my dear husband is doing at this moment.  I try to stay busy to keep the thoughts of him at bay, even the good ones.  But I am finding it harder and harder to keep the thoughts of him out and the motivation to do SOMETHING in.
And your eyes may have bulged when I said I didn't even want the good thoughts.  But the good thoughts in turn lead me to thinking that he is indeed in a war zone and that he is not safe in the same way we are.  And that his life is held in a gentle balance of staying in the "safe zone".  And I hate the thoughts of war and I really, really hate the thoughts of my husband being at war.
So with a heavy heart and a head held high, I am going to continue washing my laundry and filing my bills and living my life, while my husband is far away in a land I cannot imagine.  I will see him soon and we will continue our life together.  But for now, we love each other from afar and through the communication of our finger tips.
He is after all the love of my life no matter how far away his is or how heavy my heart becomes.  We will be together again soon.  In 11.5 months.