It means.

     As I sit here, trying to pinpoint my thoughts, I am fighting back tears.  Because my thoughts are thoughts of loss, of sacrifice, of duty to country, of war.  And my heart is fighting the idea that I am a military spouse.  I am mourning the loss of every Soldier, every Marine, every Sailor, every Airman that has been lost in the last 10 years (and the many, many more before it).  But mostly I am trying to wrap my head around what it means to be a military spouse. 

     Now you scratch your head, thinking: "But you have been a military spouse for 4 years now.  You should know this already."  But I did not really get it.  I know what the military is, I know that sacrifices are involved.  My biggest sacrifice, sending my husband to the field for two or three weeks a few times a year.  I never GOT it, because I've never REALLY lived it.  I was spoiled, thankfully.  I was guarded from deployments and war and loneliness and sacrifice for 4 years (because I believe God knew that my husband and I were not ready for those challenges).  

     But now it is hitting me as I read other blogs, watch television shows, and carry my phone everywhere I go exactly what it means.  

     It means that you change.  You change in a way that makes you stronger.  More in love.  More independent.  More successful.  A better wife.  A better mother.  More emotional (at least I am).  

     It means that the "I love you" you used to hear and take for granted, now sends shivers up your spine.  As you never know when you will hear it next.  

     It means that you make decisions on your own that you never thought you'd make alone.  Financial decisions.  Emotional decisions.  Parenting decisions.   

     It means that you will pray/think/hope/whatever it is that you do, more.  You will grow in your relationship with whatever you believe in.  Me, I believe in God.  And He hears on a constant basis how I hope he keeps my husband safe.  And He knows the needs I have, without my ever admitting to them out loud.  

     It means that sometimes ice cream and chicken nuggets are considered dinner foods.  And that sometimes you will eat no dinner at all.  

     It means that bad days are faced alone and without loving arms to greet you when you get home.  You learn to deal with things on your own like you never have before.  Whether it is learning to confide in a friend like you never have before, keeping a journal, praying, exercising, whatever- you learn to cope with not having your spouse there. 

     It means that I may never see my husband take another breath.  It means that my daughter may never really know her father.  It means that my most cherished possession could become a flag, given to me by a Marine.  It could mean that I wear a dress that I will wear only once.  

     It means that my husband is supporting his country and that no matter how he comes home, he is a hero.  And that I pray constantly that he is not called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice.  

     It means that every email is precious.  Every phone call is cherished.  Every I love you is knee-weakening.  Everyday is another day closer to seeing him again and a reason to thank God for our both waking up, healthy.  

     It means that tears flow when I hear taps, no matter what the circumstances, no matter where I am at.  

     It means so much more than this.  But I know that it is something I would never give up.  I would never give up the bad if it meant I couldn't be with my husband.  Because my husband is my hero, my best friend, my soul mate and if being with him means that we must sacrifice and spend time apart, than I will 100 times over.