Fragility.

Today, thousands of people across the world are suffering; displaced.  Entire worlds are turned upside down in the blink of an eye.  I cannot fathom the heart ache, the pain, the faith that is now gushing from the shores of Japan, filling the ocean with tears.
Today, among many other days in my life, I realized just how fragile life is.  My husband is in a war zone and at any point in time could be taken from me, it would be days before I knew.  And how do military spouses find out, by having Marines dressed in Blues drive up in black shiny cars.  That is how the worst news in the world comes to Marine wives.  The same is said for every branch, but with representatives from their respected branches.
Because life is fragile.  Because in the blink of an eye, worlds can change.  Weather its a nation affected or a state or a town or a family or one person.  These changes are not always bad, because God has a plan.  But the fragility of life usual shows its head with an unfortunate sadness.  Just 14 months ago, I got the most devastating call of my life.  In the end though the events that forced that phone call made changes in one woman that we all prayed for at night.  Because today my mom is drug free and the mother I missed for many years.
But today I pray about the fragility.  Today I pray that God has a plan for all of these people affected, for every soul whose life was turned upside down in the mere blink of an eye.  Today I praise God that my life is blessed.  I praise God that it is has been years since someone was taken from my life.  I praise God for my beautiful daughter and her wonderful father.  I praise God for my family who supports me and my husband and our country.  I praise God that I live in a country where I can write a blog post thanking God for my life and stating my continual prayer for those that were affected today by the tsunami and earthquake in Japan.
And it reminds me that I must live my life for today.  To enjoy every moment of my screaming, clingy daughter and to cherish every email, Skype message, and phone call I get from the man of dreams.  Because I am lucky enough to have a a real life hero in my life and I get to call him my husband.  And as I close my eyes tonight and reflect on today, I will be thankful that I heard my husbands voice and I will be thankful my daughter went to bed early enough for me to write this post.
Because today I reflect on the fragility of life.  And I pray for the peace of those affected by this (and every other) horrendous natural disaster.  And I praise God for a blessed life.

Job hunting.

Looking for a job and actually getting hired is like looking for a needle in a hay stack.  You tweak your resume for the 90th time to make sure you are advertising yourself in the best way possible.  you write you 147th cover letter explaining why you are the best candidate for the position listed or for the company.  You search high and low for job opening.  You apply to places that are not even listing opening.  You send your resume to many more places. 
And yet you still have the ability to sleep in for as long as your cute little offspring will let you.  This morning, that was 9:45am. 
When interviewing for a job you always want to look your best so you do your hair, you put on make up, and wear your best looking clothes. And while you are sitting waiting to meet with the person that may hold the key to your future you run through potential interview questions and answets, just to feel more prepared.  But then it hits you, "do I even want this job?"  Many people don't care what the answer to that question is, a job is a job and an income is an income.  But today while I sit to be interviewed to work in a call center that question keeps nagging me. 
Sure extra income would be nice, but my husband and I do not need it.  I was perfectly fine with selling cars, even excited about the prospect.  But I have worked in a call center before and I hated every minute of urn. Do I want to add more dread and despair to my life?  Not really.  But do I really want to give up the opportunity to be employed again?  And this tug and pull of my brain keep going around and around in the wash basin that is my brain.  Currently it is in the soak cycle, because as I write this I haven't even been interviewed yet. 
What would you do?  Would you interview for a job you know you don't want?  If hired, would you accept the job?  Especially if you didn't need the job? Or would you keep looking for something you would actually enjoy?

One Week.

Tomorrow will make one week since I said goodbye and so much has happened since he stepped on a bus.  Most of it is good, some of it is sad.
As many of you know, I moved to Florida to live with my parents to 1) have emotional support and 2) save money.  Moving in has taking a toll on me.  I haven't lived with my parents in over 5 years, not officially anyways.  I even changed my address away from my parents officially almost 4 years ago when I married my wonderful Marine.  And in 5 years I started my own home and my parents and niece have only expanded their own to suit their own needs.  I have had to remove things, move things, build things (with the help of my dad), buy things, and I am still not done.  My parents' living room and bonus room and my dad's garage look like their office/craft room barfed all over it.  And I just keep chugging, but I can't seem to get anything done (except that I do, you just can't tell).  My car still has a ton of stuff in it that needs to come out.  But I will get it done.
I am giving myself until next Monday to get everything organizational wise done.  I want to see my floor and be able to scrapbook or write a letter or whatever on my desk without having ten millions piles of crap.  At least at this moment I can tell you where my underwear are and my jeans are and my socks are, not much else, but at least those things.  Oh and I can tell you were my cell phone is at almost all times.
But in between all of this organizing, I have talked to my husband quite a bit.  And he is safe.  He is healthy.  And he is just as he was when he left me, which is just the way I like it.  We have spoken on both the internet, text messaging (he has an awesome app on his iPod that allows him to text for free), and I even got a phone call today.  A PHONE CALL!  This was more exciting for me than I ever thought it would be.  It was the best start to my day I could have ever asked for.  And while we were on the phone Maggie was running around saying my parents dogs name, Sadie.  It comes out adie, but it was really special that Scott got to hear it.
And speaking of Maggie, she is adjusting well- excellent in fact.  She has learned to go up and down the stairs (there are 4 of them) and roam the house.  She even plays in her room here because that is where her toys are.  She loves the dog.  She uses the dog as a couch, a teddy bear, and everything in between.  Maggie is even trying to learn how to throw a ball so she can play fetch with Sadie.  And Maggie has cut her 7th tooth, a molar I think.  Her eighth tooth is on the way, I can feel it.
Oh and I went to Weight Watchers on Saturday and I have not gained any weight.  I am finding it really hard to track food again, but I am going to give myself this week and start again on Saturday, which is my weigh in day.
That is all for now, it was just a huge vomit of my week.

Saying goodbye is always hard...

especially when you are sending your husband off to war. 

How do you even say goodbye?  How do you tell your best friend, lover, husband, soul mate to stay safe and to come home soon?  How do you not go crazy? 

I said goodbye by telling my husband goodbye, that I love him, and to stay safe.  I hugged his neck with tears stinging my eyes, and smiled the last time I looked into his eyes.  I want him to close his eyes and remember me as strong. 
I watched as my husband walk away, looking at his woodland marpat assault pack get farther away from me as tears made their way down my cheeks, trying to be strong.  I stood there silently and alone as the the flag was lowered sharply at 6pm while my husband loaded the bus that every Marine spouse has a love-hate relationship with. 
And I walked away knowing the next time I spoke to my husband he would be on another continent, an ocean separating us.  I drove away before his bus did, because I did not want to watch him leave.  Watching those buses pull away would have killed me.
I wondered if his heart broke the way mine did to know we wouldn't see each other for months?  That we wouldn't be together as a family again for a long time?  I wondered if although he stayed strong, if he was fighting tears the way I was.  I wondered if that would be the last time I saw my husband.  I have faith that it won't be, that God will keep my husband protected, but it will still be a thought at the back of my mind. 

I will mourn today for the next year until I can kiss my husband again.  But while my heart is heavy, it is swollen with pride as I know my husband is serving his country in a way I cannot imagine- even as a service member.  I have never been so sad and so proud at the same time.  I have never been so lonely and so in love at the same time.

Today is day 1.  Today is 1 day closer to my husband coming home.  And I will continue that count down until a banner hangs on a fence and my husband steps off of a white bus.  I will count the days until he is home and we are a family again.    

Fatty Monday, I will see you in a few weeks

As you can see, I have been slacking on updating my blog with weight loss info (or much of anything) recently.  That is because my husband leaves soon, very soon and I will not see him again until (hopefully) November when he comes home on R&R for 15 days.  So I hope that can excuse me while I enjoy time with my husband instead of dieting.  I would say I should be back in full swing to update on March 14. 
So you might ask what I have been doing the last few weeks instead of counting every point and cooking every meal.  We have been going out too much, discovering just how delicious Greek yogurt really is, taking too many trips to Target and not enough to the gym, cuddling on the couch watching too much television, laughing while we play with Maggie, and enjoying  our last few weeks/days/hours we have left with each other. 
We have eaten at The Melting Pot, Applebee's (where the pork wanton tacos are too die for), Taco Bell, and Jersey Mike's.  We have drank more coffee than is healthy. 
And while doing this, I still make healthy choices.  Getting salad dressing on the side (and then never using it), snacking on carrots instead of cookies, and drinking water when sweet tea is sitting in the fridge.  I even weighed in at 164.5 pounds on Saturday morning on my scale at home.  But I also ate 3 doughnuts in 2 days and Olive Garden and drank sangria. 
But let me say goodbye to my husband, move to Florida, and settle in- then I will continue saying goodbye to my weight.  I will even get a free membership to the YMCA while I am in Florida.  So I will have no excuses.  NONE! 
So McFatty Monday, I will see you again in a few weeks.

Vacation and illness.

This was a tough week.  But a great week.

It all started on Saturday morning with last weeks weigh in.  It was then spent driving to Raleigh to spend my last weekend away with my husband and daughter.  I ate what I wanted, but made good decisions.  I ate an egg McMuffin, a wrap from Roly Poly, chicken and orzo, cheesecake, coffee, a sandwich on a pretzel, more coffee and Taco Bell.  It was a great weekend.  But I controlled my portions.  I ate healthy options (like no cheese on the wrap).

I then spent Monday and Tuesday working and working out, counting points, drinking water, being good.  And then I was hit, hard with a 24 hour stomach virus from hell.  I spent the better half of 24 hours in my bathroom.  I was so sick I called out of work but still sent my daughter to her babysitter.  In 36 hours I ate and digested about 1/2 cup of macaroni and cheese.  And on Thursday my appetite was not much better.  And Friday it was back in full force.  I did not track on Friday.  But I tried not to give into every temptation.

But after a bad week, I still lost weight.  I am not sure if it is artificial weight loss because of the stomach virus or if I lost weight.  I won't be surprised if I stay the same this next week.  But I am going to work out this week and I am going to track this week.  And I am going to drink water this week.  And I am going to be good this week.  Even with the box of girl scout cookies sitting out on my counter.

I currently weigh 166.8, down 6.2 pounds in these 3 weeks and 1.6 pounds just this week.

But I want to cover some questions that Blair from The Heir to Blair posed to her readers and participators this week in her McFatty Monday post.
Are you afraid of anything with weight loss?  With success?  With shedding old habits?  What do you think causes that fear?
And more importantly, what can we do to rise above it?


I am afraid of people hating me.  I am scared that people who are fighting the same fight with weight loss will hate me if I succeed or do "better" than they are.  I am afraid that if I give in to the unhappiness I feel now and embrace it as motivation, I will always be unhappy with how I look.  I am afraid that if I truly become healthy I will isolate my husband and I's relationship by taking away something we have in common (food).  I am afraid to lose weight and then gain it back.  I am afraid of becoming obsessed.  I am afraid that if I cut out things cold turkey that I will binge at some point or that I will become sensitive to foods I love.  (I am already becoming sensitive to sugar.)
I cause these fears.  I make myself crazy.  I make myself fearful because I put crazy ideas in my head.  There are no other excuses.
I just need to chill out and change my life, not diet.  I need to change my lifestyle and eat healthier.  I need to realize that I can enjoy food and still become healthier.  I need to make a routine and then it won't feel like pulling teeth.  It will feel like my life.  I NEED TO CHANGE MY LIFESTYLE!  And in turn I will change my life.

Family Weekends

Last weekend, Scott and I decided it was a good idea to take an impromptu trip to Raleigh.  This was going to be out last full weekend as a family before the upcoming deployment and we wanted to make the best of it.  So we researched things to do as a family in Raleigh, packed the car, and drove.  

We first went to Marbles Children's Museum and let Maggie just have fun.  It was great watching her run around and play with everything and interact with the other kids.  She had so much fun, especially playing in the area with all of the money (mainly because there were balls and puppies).  

Here are a few pictures...

First we stopped by the pirate ship and Maggie tried to jump ship.  She even walked the plank.

Then we went to the money area and they had balls all around.  She carried a bucket full of balls that was bigger than she was around the whole area. 

Maggie and Daddy then took a picture with a hundred dollar bill. 

And Mommy and Maggie stopped for a picture too. 

Here she is just playing and is having fun running away from Scott and I.

After Marbles we went to the Crabtree Mall and walked around trying to kill time before it was time to eat dinner and check into our hotel.  We bought Maggie some clothes for next winter at Crazy 8's.  These cute clothes include pink cords and a red and black plaid peacoat.  And Maggie got cranky and so we went to our hotel.  

After our nap we back to Crabtree and were going to order Cheesecake Factory to go because they had about an 18 day long wait for seating, but Maggie threw up on us while we were waiting and we couldn't find anyone to take a to go order.  So we walked to an italian restaurant called Bistros and ordered food from there.  While waiting for our food, we went to Belk, where I found a $160 Ralph Lauren skirt for $40 in a size 8 that FIT!!!  Our food was enjoyed in the comfort of our hotel room and it was delicious!!!  Probably the best food I have ever had, or very close to it.  

Sunday, we hit up the Fox and the Hound near the Renaissance, where we saw a bunch of hockey players (because the AllStar game was taking place in Raleigh the same weekend), and let Maggie run around.  

And then we came home.  

I will miss Scott while he is gone, but I will always cherish the memories we made that weekend.